Are you feeling disconnected from your partner?
Do you feel upset and devalued when your partner doesn't appreciate your efforts? Are your thoughtful and considerate actions ignored, but your mistakes highlighted in no uncertain terms? If so your motivation to be close and available to your partner must be at an all-time low!
The hurt and bitterness you feel when you are continually unappreciated blind you to the positives in your partner. Intimacy drops off and the relationship dries up, lacks commitment, making separation and divorce a high probability...
It's not too late to turn your relationship around and rekindle the intimacy you once had. You can use the commitment you have left to turn things around just like Kyle and Faye did.
Your sense of insecurity rises when you make efforts that goes unacknowledged
The pains Faye took in making delicious meals on a meager budget went unnoticed by Kyle. He just took it as her duty and never once commented on her careful shopping and preparation to have healthy and tasty dinners ready when he got home from work. Kyle rarely paid attention to the way Faye took care of buying gifts for family and making sure they never forgot birthdays and anniversaries. It was just part of what a wife was supposed to do. Faye found the energy to listen to Kyle's disappointments and frustrations when he couldn't get his father to give him more responsibility in the family business.
Hurt and resentment make you pull away from your partner and damage your feelings of security.
Faye was hurt, felt taken for granted and no longer enjoyed doing things to take the pressure off Kyle. Resentment built up and affected the way she related to her husband. She no longer felt empathy for him when he told her about his genuinely tough days working for his bullying father. She no longer cared about his anxieties about promotion or his concern for his mother's deteriorating health. Kyle treated her as if she was a robot, and now she became one.
Should you invest in another partner or fix the intimate bonds in your relationship and feel more secure?
Faye often fantasized about leaving and finding a more responsive partner. She imagined a more loving and thankful man who valued her empathy, her consideration and her willingness to give him space to fulfill his ambition. That's what she had hoped to get from Kyle, but that was now a lost cause.
Faye found herself getting irritable with Kyle, finding fault with him just for breathing and avoiding any physical contact. Their relationship had become a tension filled balloon about to burst as it ran out of air!
Research shows that giving and getting appreciation promotes emotional intimacy and makes you feel more secure in your relationship.
Faye and Kyle were one of the couples that researchers described as drifting apart because of a lack of mutual gratitude. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,2012 conducted a number of studies with romantically involved couples and found that when a member of a couple feels appreciated by their partner, there is a greater responsiveness and emotional availability towards that partner. The appreciative member of the couple receives appreciation in return, making mutual gratitude the basis for a more warm, sympathetic and empathic secure connection.
Mutual gratitude increased commitment in the relationship making the couple more likely to stay together and weather the storms that came their way. Mutual gratitude fostered a willingness to be more responsive to each other's needs, solidifying the bonds of intimacy.
So here is the recipe for intimacy and commitment Kyle and Faye need
Share your gratitude out loud when you get up in the morning and find your partner alive, healthy and choosing to be with you.
Make a list of three things your partner does for you without you asking and mention each one with genuine thanks at the time they are gifted to you.
In the quiet moments at the end of the day, tell each other how thankful you are to have your partner's loyalty, trust and patience.
Repeat daily and mix up the things you are grateful for as you begin to notice more and feel its powerful impact in your wellbeing.
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